…I wanted to blurt out.
I was doing fine all month long, but it got to me this week.
I belong to an old fitness club. ‘Old’ meaning that most of the members have been members for 15+ years, raised their kids at this club, started at the club taking aerobics classes and now show up for the social aspects. With a pounding headache and a sore neck, I decided to forgo my workout for a soak in the whirlpool, which is next to the lap pool. At 10 til the hour, the pool area began filling up with water aerobic class students. At this ‘old’ club, that meant older ladies, chatting away while they adjusted their large brimmed sun hats, sunglasses and water shoes.
The instructor bounced into the pool area, laughing that it took her another 5 minutes to get her students’ attention to begin the class.
I began to tear up and quietly left the pool area. I made it through the locker room and into a shower, as the tears began to flow.
My mother would have been 70 years old this year. She would have taken that water aerobics class. She’d be old and wrinkly but wearing fabulous hats and colorful swimsuits. You know, the kinds with the little flair skirts.
She’d take her water aerobics class with ‘the girls’, then shower and dress and head over to see her grandchildren for lunch. She’d adore them. They’d adore her. I’d live in a house of love and laughter.
Wait, I have to put the brakes on.
That’s not my life right now. We don’t have grandparents for my daughter anymore. Or rather, Yet. We don’t have grandparents for my daughter… yet.
Today I wanted to blurt out:
“Today is the anniversary of my mother’s death. I need a hug. I need to be taken care of. I need my daughter to know that kind of grandparenting love. Somebody. Love us.”
Wish I was there for you! Meanwhile, feel my arms around you.
Love,
Monica
Thanks Monica! I wasn’t expecting such a strong response… some years the anniversary goes by without much notice. Maybe it had built up… or maybe I have high expectations this year. Not sure which, but I made it through. We’ll keep looking this year, our families are out there for us!
Here’s a VERY BELATED hug, Christene.
There’s something about being in the water that relaxes us and lets us release our emotions. I love the image you shared of what your mother would have looked like in the pool. I can totally picture those suits with the flared skirts.
It reminds me of my dear mother-in-law who swam almost everyday until she was 92. She and her friends would gather in the community small warm pool and chat while they did their little dog paddle!
It’s lovely that you remember your mother on her birthday. It helps to keep her memory alive.
Love,
Donne
Hello. I don’t even know you, but… I came across this blog… it helped me a lot, helped me put into words, for myself, just what I am feeling right now.
It is the tenth anniversary of my mother’s death… it may as well be five minutes. I can push things into the background most days, but not today…
Thank you for your blog
Thanks Donne,
I can’t believe the summer is pretty much over! I have to admit that I avoided this pool class for the rest of the summer. I’m hopeful that by next summer, my heart will have healed a bit, at least enough to enjoy watching their happiness and exercise… and yes, even their fun flared floral skirts!
Here’s to hope and healing!
You’re welcome. These moments have become more and more pronounced, I think more since I became a mom. The year isn’t over yet and I’m still hopeful that I or that one of us, will find our surrogate family and “belong” again. I really miss that. Thanks for your comment!
I would love to be a surrrogate grandma to a family who needs me but I am in Melbourne Australia
Hi,
Thanks for visiting the site! SurrogateGrandparenting.com has only been up for less than a year so we’re still in gentle and slow growth mode… I’ll keep this in mind, as I consider expanding to other countries. Check back in January/February and I’ll post any updates! Thanks again!
I just read your post. I’m new to the site. I bet those ladies would have been glad to give you a hug I know I would. I long to have grandchildren to love and enjoy time with. Hope you find a good surrogate grandmother.
Elizabeth
Thank you Elizabeth, I hope you find your family too!